Bachmann Bails!

Embattled Minnesota 6th congressional district Congresswoman Michele Bachmann announced in a taped statement released earlier this morning that she would not seek a fifth term.  In an attempt to dispel rumors that the various probes into misdeeds surrounding her failed presidential campaign were behind her decision, Bachmann, in her tape statement, cited her desire to spend quality time with those people she "truly loved".

Meanwhile in related developments, secret service protection around former President George W. Bush was doubled as was  security in Heaven for Jesus.  When reached for comment, the former President, who said he also spoke for Jesus, stated the added security measures were "...only prudent when you have a known crackpot who soon will have lots of time on her hands."  "Besides", added W, "the memory of her steely grip and the fish lips she planted on me in the House Chambers before my State of the Union Address still gives me the Heeby Jeebys".