Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Minnesota Racked By Disasters: Has the Apocalypse Struck the Twin Cities of Sodom and Gomorrah?

St. Paul, MN

At precisely 5:00 PM today, at the exact time that Governor Mark "Pontius Pilatus" Dayton finished setting ink to paper with his signature on the Marriage Equality Bill thus making it law and just as the world's largest naked Roman orgy and debauchery was about to get underway, an Earth shattering horn began to blow, the ground began to tremble, the sky immediately fell black and huge jets of flame erupted from burst underground natural gas lines.  The assembled masses of naked same sex couples dropped their ceremonial daggers and animal (and some human) sacrifices as panic and terror swept the crowd.  High pitched, effeminate shrieks of "Bruuucce!", "Adam!"  "Stevie!  Where are you?!"

Flashing a shocked expression of fear and utter disbelief, the Governor was quickly hustled off by his bare chested, proletariat guard (formerly Capitol Security) shattering his dream to marry his pet dog, which he had planned to do (along with consummating the union) before the heathen masses.  Amidst the widespread panic, thousands of severe looking women with close cropped hair and sensible shoes, looked at their bouffantly dressed counterparts with utter disdain..

Meanwhile, two states away, in the lavishly decorated television studios of JVM Enterprises, a menacing, low growl gave way to an evil chuckle:  "I told you sinning bastards this day would come!  I told you so..." hissed Jack Von Impe.

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