Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Viscous Pre-Caucus Fluid* Seen Leaking From Luvurne

On the eve of the biggest prize yet in the Republican presidential sweepstakes, the candidate a drunken imbecile fool of a media personality (Glen Beck) once dubbed "a Churchill for our times", was seen emanating from a seedy movie theater in the Southwestern Minnesota town of Luvurne yesterday.

Made famous by newspaper columnist Dan Savage in his column Savage Love, this obscure but frothy mixture of an ultra conservative, homophobic excuse for a former Senator from the Keystone State was selling his body to the highest bidders in a cheap celluloid palace.

The evenings festivities got under way precisely at 7:00 PM proving that fascists were always capable of making the trains run on time. After a heart felt reading of their international anthem Deutschland ├╝ber alles, the Neo-Nazis that make up the Minnesota Republican Party quickly got down to business passing on unanimous voice votes their plans to turn FEMA Camps into Serb style homosexual rape camps so their repressed members will finally be free to quit living the lie that they are Christians.

The evenings entertainment was a live sex act performed onstage between what looked like one of Katherine the Great's horses but was actually a soon to be former Minnesota State Senator and her bitch, former MN Republican Party Chair Boss Hog Sutton's little buddy, all set to the tune of "Brown Eyed Girl".

Following a very productive evening of debauchery, former MN gubernatorial candidate Allen Quist invited everyone over to the town's funeral parlour to engage in the Quist family version of scrap booking, i.e. carving fetuses out of corpses.**

*Definition: Santorum
Pronunciation: san-TOR-um
Pronunciation: san-TOR-um
Function: noun
Savage Love - 05/29/03

1. The frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex.
2. Former Senator Rick Santorum

**Years ago, when Quist's first wife died while nearly seven months pregnant, Quist had the fetus removed from her body and displayed in an open casket so his family could properly grieve for an unborn child. It was one of a series of revelations from the '94 campaign--another was Quist's assertion that men had a "genetic predisposition" to rule the household--that torpedoed his primary bid after he'd been endorsed at the last GOP convention. It also fueled the notion that he is unelectable in Minnesota.

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