Thursday, April 28, 2011

10 Questions to Help You Get Up to Speed on Michele and Timmy's Nuptial

Organizers have made plans to accommodate 2 billion "guests" from all over the world. Even more important: The souvenir tea bags have been printed.

So it seems that everything is in place for the grandest wedding of the century: Friday's marriage of Iowa's Prince Michele of the House of Horrors to Miss Timithina "T-Paw" Pawlenty.

But even the most loyal Tea Bag fan (we see you out there waving your little tea bags) may have questions about this intricate ceremony. So here we answer "10 Questions about Minnesota's Royal Wedding Bash":

1) Who are these people?

Michele is next in line to inherit the Republican crown after her forefather George W, the Prince of Idiots, son of George Bush I and his wife, Barbara the mugger in pearls. If the regular succession plan holds, some day Michele will be Minnesota's king with Timithina bearing a title that the Minnesota government won't even speculate on until it all happens, but rumored to be Vice President.

2) What time does the official ceremony start?

The church ceremony starts at 11 a.m. Friday, 5 a.m. Minnesota time. Guests have been told to arrive at least 20 minutes before that. Crowds will be congregating officially at the site starting about 2 a.m. Minnesota time.

3) What will Timmy's gown look like?

It is one of the best-kept secrets in Minnesota history. No one outside the designer staff and the wedding party knows. If we knew, we'd tell you here. But then the secret service guys would show up and bang on the door of the bathroom where we ran to hide.

But if we had to guess, we'd bet that this will be a form-fitted white or ivory gown, without feathers - in keeping with Timmy's tailored tastes. The train will be in proportion to the gown, unlike Diana's jaw-dropping 25-foot train that had all the maneuverability of an oil tanker. We're guessing - and again it is only a guess - the designer will be Steve McQueen's creative director, Tim Burton, or designers at Herbergers or at Lula.

Then again: Who's to say there is just ONE wedding dress? Some estimates say there are three already on hangers, waiting for Tim's last-minute choice.

Rumor has it that his headpiece will be fresh lady slippers, not a tiara, all the better to relate to his non royal South St. Paul roots. Again, no confirmation until Friday. But we can assure you that Tim will NOT be wearing some of his signature clothing items: plaid skirts or cowboy boots.

4) What will Michele wear?

She is expected to wear a uniform from one of the White Supremacist para military services.

5) How much will the wedding cost and who foots the bill?

No one is saying exactly how much the wedding will cost, though St. Paul's Pioneer Press Dispatch has estimated the bill will come to about $10 million or the cost of removing 30,000 vulnerable adults from Minnesota Care.

6) Why are they getting married at Mount Olivet Lutheran Church in Minneapolis?

According to an official release: "The couple were moved to choose the venue because of its beauty, its history and - despite the overall size of its congregation - the relative intimacy of the area around the High Altar. Besides the money that can be raised from the offering plates will really line our campaign coffers nicely"

7) What about the bridal couple's jewelry?

The Tea Baggers have fitted Michele with nipple rings with which they plan on making her dance like a marionette. Timmy still has his nose ring which the Republican National Committee uses to yank him along to the party's drumbeat.

But there's been a break from tradition this time: The palace revealed that the prince has chosen not to wear a "Prince Albert".

8) What's the dress code for guests?

According to a palace etiquette guide sent to guests: "Wearing the right Twins hat and not overdoing it is important. Wearing Packer Green or Gold is not appropriate. That must be left to the bride. Men in the Armed Forces should wear uniform and male civilians a leisure suit (track suit) . The Twins hat should be carried, not worn, inside the church."

For women, the dress code means a snazzy pant suit, or Capri's with a jacket, with hat and gloves, boat shoes and a matching backpack.

9) Why does T-Paw wave like that?

There are several possible answers. The most credible has to do with regal restraint and grace. The slightly cupped hand isn't the open-palmed flying fingers most of us use. However, like his in-bred effeminate cousin and Governor from our Cheesehead neighbor state, Scotty Walker, it is rumored that Timithina, like Scotty has extremely thin, effeminate wrists.

10) How will ordinary 'Sotans be celebrating the wedding?

The wedding day has been declared a State holiday in Minnesota, so most people, including yours truly, have the day off work.

What to do? Street party!

No less a personage than Garrison Keillor is urging Minnesotans to organize street parties across the state and has ordered local authorities to scrap the usual red tape about closing roads. The result is that there have been more than 4,000 applications for street parties in the state, with more than 2 million expected to boogie-til-you-puke.

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